


Per Aspera

by LadyKnotte



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Angst and Feels, Brooding Broody, Consequences, F/M, POV Fenris
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-09
Updated: 2015-05-09
Packaged: 2018-03-29 17:39:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3905056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyKnotte/pseuds/LadyKnotte
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two ounces of brooding, one ounce of angst, a dollop of "what-could've-been" and a pinch of hope. A couple of vignettes focusing on Fenris, why he chose to leave on the fateful night we all remember so well and what were the consequences.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Mein Damen und Herren, mesdames et messieurs, ladies and gentlemen! I hope you will enjoy this little collection of various words, put together in a not so random order. It's my first, so please be gentle (or maybe not, sometimes rough can be fun too).

He used to lay in bed, thinking about the moment when would be free. From his former master, from the invisible chains that still bound him, from the vengeance that slowly devoured his heart and soul. Free to pursue happiness at her side. The single night they shared was the beacon of hope, the only thing that kept him from descending into the dark, cold place he knew so well. And then the memories he never knew were there flooded his mind, leaving pain and a feeling of unbearable emptiness. Yet another cruel joke of fate, to bring him from the very peak of happiness into the greatest depths of despair within merely seconds.

At first he wanted to tell Hawke everything, ask her to ease the pain, to make the darkness go away. If only she kissed him and told him everything was going to be alright, there would be nothing to fear and nothing to hate. But as soon as this thought crossed his mind, he knew that it was a yearning impossible to fulfil. She was not his, to share his burden – he could not ask such a sacrifice of her. And yet he wanted to. There was only one solution left – to break her heart, so that she would never let him close enough. He wanted her to hate him, to brace herself against his love and his wanton desires. The hurt look in Hawke’s eyes as he started making incoherent excuses made his heart howl with despair but his mind was full of bitter satisfaction. Now he will never get to hurt her more.

***

They say time heals wounds. They lie. But even though the pain was still there, he felt some peace knowing she was safe. They didn’t work together as often as they used to, but of that he was glad. It was easier this way. Easier to seek oblivion in drinking and killing, to drown out emotions with false passion and affection bought for a couple of coins in Lowtown. Every now and then she would ask him to accompany and then it was like nothing ever happened. Her magic and his sword, working in perfect harmony as if they were one, bringing havoc, destruction and death. At times like this he savoured every moment, watching as she commanded the elements and the Fade itself, mighty and beautiful, a godlike creature of legends long forgotten. At times like this, for a brief moment he pretended everything was perfect.

***

When Varania contacted him, he asked Hawke to accompany him. Funny enough, he felt more at ease with her that he would probably feel with his own sister. Fenris didn’t think Hawke would agree – for the last couple of months they haven’t seen each other at all and it was almost sure she wouldn’t count him amongst her friends anymore. And yet, when she heard the question, she didn’t hesitate.

“It’s an honour and a privilege, my friend.”

“Friend” – the word left a bitter-sweet aftertaste in his mouth. He still remembered the way she whispered, murmured, screamed his name that night, the memory making his heart beat faster. And now it was just that. But he was grateful, happy even. She seemed to have healed much better than he did. It was good. It was the way he wanted it to be, wasn’t it?

***

He could still feel Danarius’ heart. Twitching and squirming in his hand, as if it was a sentient creature, fighting to get away from his touch. He remembered holding it for a while, almost caressing it, his fingers softly stroking the surface. And then, with one swift motion that he’d been dreaming of for longer than he could remember, Fenris crushed it. But the relief was nowhere to be found. The brief moment of triumph turned to ashes, leaving him with bitter aftertaste. And then he was alone.

***

If there was any chance she would have him, Fenris had to take it. The second he reached Hightown he knew that it was the moment he’d been waiting for. This was the leap he had to take, no matter the consequences. He was still broken, he knew that well enough. But with Denerius gone, with Varania’s knowledge of his past within his grasp, Fenris was sure he could make it. They could make it. If only she could forgive him, if only she could look at him with the same warmth she used to then everything would be fine.

“We have never discussed what happened between us three years ago.”

“You didn’t seem like you wanted to talk about it,” Hawke lifted her brow, her eyes full of cauion.

Suddenly he felt as if there was no more air left in his lungs.

“I felt like a fool,” he studied her face, waiting for the smallest reaction “I thought it better if you hated me. I deserved no less. But it isn’t better. That night… I remember your touch as if it were yesterday.”

Staring at the floor he mustered all of his courage.

“I should have asked your forgiveness long ago… I hope you can forgive me now,” he raised his eyes and realised she was now inches away, her breath heavy and her cheeks blushing. Yes, that was the moment. They didn’t need words now, and yet their lips were saying everything there was to be said. She tasted of summer and sun, and kissed him as if she wanted to make up for the years that they lost. Fenris pulled her so close, they felt as if they were one body, breathing heavily in unison. The two of them, their very own universe.

“Nothing could be worse than the thought of living without you,” he murmured in hear ear.

He felt her stiffen in his arms.  The moment she gently pushed away, he felt his heart sink. Was it a goodbye handout? Did she do it out of pity for the poor broken elf? Questions raced through his mind, each one more panicked, filling Fenris with fear like never before.

“Fenris, we… I… It cannot be,” her emerald eyes were bright with tears.

He wanted to ask, to beg, to explain, his voice nowhere to be found. But she knew him well enough.

“What we did just now cannot happen again. I’m with Anders now.”

He felt as if someone hit him on a head. The room was spinning, his mind was blank and all he could do was stare at her.

“Why?”

“What did you expect?” you he could see angry flickers coming to life in her eyes “That I’m going to wait for you indefinitely? Stay in my ivory tower clutching to fading memories of a one night stand that you didn’t even want to talk about? Cry my eyes out and then some more just because you couldn’t make up your mind?” she looked as if surprised by her own words.

“Hawke… Siobhan, I can explain. I… The pain, the memories it brought up… it was too much. I wished to protect you, to save you from my burden, from the anger that burned in me, the hatred that gnawed my heart.”

“You should’ve told me. I told you I wanted to help.”

“You were not mine, you did not owe me anything. It would not be fair to add to your worries,” his voice was quiet.

“And so you’d rather forfeit your happiness? You’d rather make me miserable than let yourself be happy? You fool!” Hawke’s strong voice started to tremble “You selfish, egoistic, fucked up fool!”

He could see a single tear rolling down. Oh, how he wished turn back time. Blood magic, magisters’ spell, a deal with a demon – he would do anything to stop this tear. Fenris reached out to wipe it but Hawke took a step back.

“Don’t. I can hardly keep myself together as it is.”

“Do you love him?” he readied himself for the twist of the blade in his heart. He knew the answer would hurt and yet something in him yearned to her the answer.

“Yes,” she paused as if wondering if she should say anything else “I love him, I think I always did. He was always there, always waiting for me, ready to help and to share his ups and downs.”

Fenris felt nauseous. He did it to himself, worse even, he did it to her. He pushed her into the abomination’s arms. Of all the people in the world she chose the bloody mage, a possessed zealot that would surely bring her nothing but pain. Then again, wasn’t that what Fenris himself gave her? How could he judge her choices, considering how faulty were his own. He wanted to run as far as possible from here and at the same time he wanted to listen to her. Some perverse curiosity wanted him to ask her if she’s happy, if he’s better in bed and all the other questions that would surely feel like salt on the raw wound of his heart.

“It’s not a wild fire of passion, but it’s good. It’s warm and cosy and I can say I’m happy,” a wistful smile brightened her face.

She was honest with him and there was nothing he could do. She was never his and now she will never be. Once again, he lost his whole world. But this time the pain, no matter how sharp, wouldn’t take the memories away. Not now, not ever.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Days, weeks, months went by and yet he could not force himself to leave Kirkwall. Even with everything that transpired between him and Hawke, for the first time in forever he felt like he belonged. There was something soothing in having camaraderie. They worked together, sure, but that was only part of it. Fenris realised that it wasn’t only Hawke who cared. Varric, Isabela, Aveline, even the blood witch Merrill – they were this strange, dysfunctional family he came to accept and cherish. And loneliness hasn’t been good for him lately, for it always brought back memories of what was lost. Sometimes even alcohol couldn’t drown his sorrows. So Fenris was grateful for the people who helped him fend the pain off.

***

He decided to celebrate Anders moving in with Hawke by getting absolutely hammered with Isabela. Lately they’ve been spending plenty of time together, drinking, gambling or just talking. At some point it was always him talking about Siobhan, but the pirate never complained. After the third bottle he decided to ask her about it.

“Well, Lanky, it’s simple – I’m just trying to get into your pants. You know, they say good things come to those who wait,” she smiled at him just like a cat would smile at a canary sitting in an open cage.

“Somehow I never presumed you were into damaged goods,” his tone was serious but deep inside him something else stirred. Something he hadn’t felt in a long time.

“I’m not. It’s the brooding that turns me on.”

He couldn’t decide if the flicker in her eyes was just alcohol or was it genuine desire. Hell, he didn’t want to know. If she was serious, there was only way to find out.

***

Eventually he found peace, or at least some kind of it. The affair with Isabela lasted a couple of months and helped him curb the drinking. And with the political unrest growing daily, there was plenty of jobs in Kirkwall. Life was as good as it could be. Time passed and one day he realised he could look at Hawke and Anders without being totally inebriated. The pain has dulled. He had been slowly healing – now it was quite rare for him to dream of her. Still, sometimes he woke up in the middle of the night, his heart pounding and his breathing heavy and just for a second he was sure it wasn’t a dream and that Hawke was there with him. When Isabela was staying the night, he would only lay in the darkness, staring into ceiling. But when he was alone, he would go to Hawke’s manor. It was easy to climb on the terrace and peek into her bedroom. Ever since the Deep Roads expedition she was afraid of darkness, so there was always a glowing orb floating above her bed. It was enough for him to see her silhouette, delicate curves of her body covered by soft sheets. Sometimes the abomination would be there, but recently Fenris noticed that those nights became rarer. It might have something to do with that bloody Justice. Varric said that the mage tended to lose his temper more often. And yet Hawke kept him in. If anyone else did it, Fenris would call him a fool but with her it was only normal. After all, she took all of them in, regardless of how untrustworthy they seemed at first.  She managed to save each and every one of them from what could have been. And he couldn’t blame her for being the way she was, because she had saved him as well.

***

The conflict between the Circle and the Templars slowly sank his claws into the City of Chains. It didn’t take much to notice how a once lively place slowly turned into a nest of fear and terror. Knight-Commander introduced a curfew and it became more difficult to leave the city. Of course Champion of Kirkwall was treated differently but Fenris couldn’t shake the feeling that it was only a question of time. Hawke felt it as well, he could see it in her eyes every time they met. At times like this he wanted to tell her that he would stand against the Chantry, the Circle and the Maker himself to make her safe. But he knew that for her it was others that were a priority – the abomination, the witch, the mages that wanted to escape. And so he helped her the best way he could, fighting at her side with everything he had. He wouldn’t admit it even to himself but there was nothing he wouldn’t do for her, even if it meant saving those he despised. And when the moment came he would gladly give up his life if it meant she would walk free. Yet it seemd no sacrifices were required of him. Up until the day when the world as they knew it came to an end with a bang that no one ever imagined.

***

He’d never seen her so hurt. Not when she lost Carver to taint and not when she held dying Leandra in her arms. Fenris suspected that it might have been because then she always knew that there was nothing she could do to save them. They were taken from her unwillingly. They didn’t betray her the way Anders did. The bloody abomination finally showed his true colours, turning Chantry into mountain of dust and crushed bodies. The second he saw the red blast, Fenris knew they were doomed. The Templars would never let Hawke walk, even though it was obvious she was unaware of the possessed apostate’s plan. Meredith gave Hawke a way out but they all knew it was a formality. Champion or not, she was still a mage and as such she would take Circle’s side. Even if it meant fighting for the lost cause.

***

Her eyes were sad but he could see a cold glimpse in them. If anyone had any doubts about what would become of Anders, the look on her face said everything. There was no mercy for the traitor, for the one who killed innocents. That’s why it had to be a mistake. Fenris was sure he must’ve heard wrong.

“Just go!” she spat out with the voice full of anger and pain.

Her face was red and they could all see tears running down. Fenris took a step towards her.

“No!” she looked around as if trying to recall what was going on “I don’t need your pity right now, I need loyalty. Does anyone else want to leave?”

There was a short pause and for a moment he could swear he saw a flicker of fear in her eyes.

“Hawke, I’m pretty much sure I’m talking for all of us when I say that there’s no place we’d rather be now. Besides, I’d rather see all the action with my own eyes if I am to include it in my book. You know, there’s no better storyteller than the one who lived the story,” Varric smiled smugly.

***

The fight was long and exhausting. First Enchanter turned on them and it seemed like all hope was lost. Blood, magic and steel all melted together and were just a blur in Fenris’ mind. All he knew was that she had to be protected. He kept close, ready to step in whenever she got too tired to cast spells. When the dust at the Gallows settled it was clear that what held them all together was adrenaline and as soon as the excitement passes they won’t be able to do much. And for a while it seemed they won’t make it past the final line of Templars. None of them had the strength to even raise an arm anymore. To crush them would be probably easier than to take a cookie from a child. Cullen must’ve been aware of that and yet let them go. Nevertheless it was clear that the Champion of Kirkwall wasn’t welcome in her city anymore. They would have to leave as soon as possible.

***

He had little time, so it was important to move as quickly as possible. The ship was supposed to be ready in the morning and he would never forgive himself if he didn’t go with her. But some things were as important.

“My informants say he’s moving north,” Varric tried to look calm and composed but Fenris could see hatred burning brightly in his eyes “Probably towards Tevinter.”

“No surprise there, then. I always presumed he would feel at home there, among his fello monsters.”

“Make him hurt, Broody. He deserves all the pain in the world for what he did to Hawke.”

“You can trust me on this one, Varric. I will make sure he gets what he deserves.”

Tevinter, huh? The fucking abomination thought he would find peace among magisters. Maybe he even wanted to become one? It didn’t matter, for his plans would change very soon. Dead men can’t be magisters.

***

He found Anders not far from the city. It seemed the mage was waiting for someone. Maybe he hoped that the Champion of Kirkwall would join him, that she would forgive him and they would walk happily into the setting sun. Fenris didn’t really care. He moved quickly and quietly but it seemed that the abomination was too lost in his thoughts to notice anything anyway. Good, it made things so much easier. Within seconds Fenris was holding Anders’ heart but he didn’t crush it straight away. There were too many questions to be answered. Besides, it was important that the mage would be aware of dying.

“How could you do this to her?” Fenris growled.

To his surprise, there was a sad smile on Anders’ face as if he had expected this to happen.

“I didn’t do it “to” her. I did it “for” her. She’s a mage, she understands. If not now, than she will, soon.”

“She loved you and you broke her heart. You remember what I told you would happened if you did it?”

Anders nodded slowly.

“You said you would kill me. And yet I believe I couldn’t have broken her heart, because I never had it in the first place. You know it was always you, elf?” a bitter grimace crossed mage’s face ”She never forgot that night with you. Sometimes she murmured your name in her sleep. Oh, how I wanted you to perish somewhere along the way. But no, you managed to stay around, no matter what. Hell, if it was up to me I would’ve sold you back to your master,” the bitterness gave way to anger in his voice “But I knew she would never forgive me for that. Anything else was up for discussion, except for you. And still you managed to lose her, you blind fool,” Anders smirked, clearly amused at the cosmic joke only he seemed to understand.

“Shut up. You don’t get to talk about her,” Fenris wanted to crush his heart right this moment but some part of his was curious. Was there some hope after all?

“You know, I think it was part of the reason I’ve done all of this. Justice wanted to destroy any chance for compromise but I was a bit more selfish. I hoped she would remember me the way she remembered you, if only I’ve done something big enough. Alas, I believe I might’ve succeeded.”

“I will make sure she forgets you, whatever it takes,” with this words Fenris slowly crushed the delicate heart in his palm.

He didn’t bother to hide the body.


End file.
